The Modern Ketubah Blog : Interfaith Weddings

J Weeky, the Jewish news weekly for Northern California, published an article about non-Jewish couples who are choosing to have a ketubah and featured Modern Ketubah, and our wonderful customers Brooke and Jez:

When Brooke Wheeler, 38 and her husband Jez Hildred, 42, got married in England in July 2003, they sat and signed the marriage register in front of the guests and civil servant officiant right after their wedding.

“But then you’re signing a civil document,” Wheeler explained. “My husband and I aren’t religious, but we liked the idea of having a document that served the more significant emotional aspects, like we were signing a bond to each other to share our lives.”

Read the full article here.

I recently read a post by the bride Diorable as she described how she was planning her interfaith wedding. She talked about how they were choosing the traditions they would have in her ceremony, to make it fit the personality and beliefs of her and her fiancé. As she described it: “This isn’t a sundown thing with a ketubah. We are absolutely cherry picking.”

I applaude Diorable’s creativity and drive to create a ceremony tailored to them. The whole point of the wedding is that it is a ceremony of two people coming together as one, and it therefore needs to reflect who those two people are.

“Cherry-picking” traditions is a common way to construct an interfaith wedding ceremony. When my wife and I were planning our wedding, we also cherry-picked different aspects of our combined Jewish and Catholic traditions for our wedding. This let us honor our traditions, while defining our own combined values. We had two friends sing a modern version of the Seven Blessings. Another friend read an updating translation that I wrote of the famous Corinthians passage “Love is patient, love is kind”. We stood under a huppah as my cousin the priest and our rabbi both gave their blessings. We lit a unity candle, then stomped a glass. Some might find this kind of ceremony a little crazy or inauthentic, but we loved it — it fit us perfectly. It wasn’t a Jewish wedding, it wasn’t a Catholic wedding — it was our wedding.

And of course, even aspects of a ceremony that are considered “very traditional” can be modernized and updated to fit your personality. The ketubah is a perfect example. Many people might still assume that having a ketubah automatically makes a wedding very Jewish or very traditional (as Diorable described it “a sundown thing”). But not any longer. Most of the ketubahs I create are for interfaith and multicultural couples. They decided to add this tradition to their ceremony, but didn’t want it to feel overly “traditional”. So they made a ketubah that is modern, inclusive, and very personal.

In our wedding, our crazy combined ceremony worked to bring our two families together in a beautiful and special way. Each side could relate to part of the ceremony, and share the experience of something new. We explained the traditions throughout the ceremony, in simple terms, so that everyone could appreciate the parts they weren’t familiar with. We worked carefully with our rabbi to make sure the ceremony came together as a whole, and that no one felt left out, or confused. And in the end, our families loved it as much as we did. It was as much a celebration of our new marriage, as it was of our families and traditions that helped make us who we are.

Update 2010-03-01: On the blog Fifty Percenters, PrincessMax shared the details of the thoughtful wedding program she created for her interfaith wedding. It is a great example of how you can explain all of the elements of your ceremony to your family and guests, so that they all feel a part of the celebration.

When you are planning an interfaith wedding, it’s a good idea to provide an explanation of the different traditions in your wedding program. This gives everyone the chance to understand the meanings behind the traditions you selected for your wedding. Plus, it makes both sides of the family feel welcome and included in the ceremony. One of my couples shared with me the text they used in their program:

The Ketubah is the Jewish marriage contract, outlining the responsibilities of the bride and the groom. The Ketubah confirms that Andrew and Joanna willingly accept each other and assume obligations to one another. One of the oldest elements of a Jewish wedding, the Ketubah dates back over two thousand years. Today, most Ketubot (plural form of Ketubah) are spiritual, not legal, covenants that the bride and groom make with one another. Prior to the wedding ceremony, Andrew, Joanna and the Rabbi signed the ketubah in the presence of two witnesses, family and friends.

During an interview, Star Trek (and Lost) director J.J. Abrams had this to say about interfaith marriage:

My wife is Irish Catholic and it’s a fascinating thing having married someone who’s of a different religion, because you get to understand and see and respect another way of growing up and believing. That to me is interesting and healthy.

I always say interfaith couples have a deep understanding of religion’s place in their lives. A same-religion couple can (often erroneously) make the assumption that they share the same traditions and beliefs. But an interfaith couple cannot make any assumptions. They have to talk about how they were raised, what they believe, what they are unsure of. They have to think how they want to raise their kids, and celebrate the holidays. The have to figure out how to talk about family, heaven, sin, faith, God. They have to talk, they have to discuss, and more importantly, they have to make decisions about all this as a couple. This ongoing conversation makes them, their family, and their faith stronger.

One thing I have learned is that every ketubah is unique. Each one takes on the personality of the couple who make it, through the design they select, the words they choose. Watching each couple craft a ketubah that reflects their personality is one of the things that make my job as a ketubah artist so interesting.

One couple, Krista and Matthew, just came to me with a unique and fun request. They are an interfaith couple, Catholic and Jewish. So they wanted the text of their ketubah to reflect both of their traditions. But their idea was to not just do this through the words they used, but through the languages used as well. Just like Judaism is grounded in its use of Hebrew, Catholicism is rooted in Latin. Although it is not used anymore for regular services, the language is still a part of the flavor of Catholic culture. Krista and Matthew wanted their ketubah to respect both of these linguistic traditions. So we created a ketubah that blended English, Hebrew and Latin. Luckily Krista had an aunt who knew enough Latin to provide a translation! The result was quite special, and very much reflected the personality of Krista and Matthew.