There’s an interesting article in the Jewish Week, called The Other Kind Of Mixed Marriage. In it, Abby Schachter talks about how every marriage can be classified as a mixed marriage, since no two people share the same religious background:
The fact is that Jewish life in America is so varied, and each person’s Jewish experience is so different, that it almost seems as if every Jewish marriage is an intermarriage.
I wholeheartedly agree. I believe that in some ways interfaith couples have it easier that same-faith couples because they know up front that they will have to discuss their religion and explain their traditions. While same-faith couples often assume that because they are both Jewish or both Christian, that they share a lot of the same beliefs, traditions, and attitudes. But this isn’t true. Everyone has a their own unique set of beliefs and priorities. People belong to different denominations, different regions of the country have different attitudes, and every family defines their faith in different, personal ways. Same-faith couples need to take a lesson from interfaith couples, and realize that getting married means they are combining two very different sets of beliefs. Marrying someone from a different religion forces you to reconnect with your own traditions, examine your long-held assumptions, and try to determine what is really important to you. Same-faith couples need to go through this same journey of discovery together.
Related articles:
Bryan and Julie are an interfaith couple who are writing a blog about planning of their interfaith wedding. If you are planning your own interfaith ceremony, I suggest you check this out. Their story will give you a perspective on some of the issues and decisions one couple went through, such as:
The Jewish Journal has a well-written article on interfaith families called “Jewish parent + Christian parent = Jewish kids” by Amy Klein. (Thanks to InterfaithFamily.com for the link.) The article talks with number of couples, discussing what it means to be an interfaith family. It goes on to make an excellent point:
“…despite the Jewish community’s decades-long panic that shrinking population figures are a direct result of intermarriage, recent studies and anecdotal evidence are finding that interfaith families could be more of an asset than an enemy.”
As part of an interfaith family myself, I think this point cannot be overstated. Too often, discussions about interfaith marriage focus on the fear of what might happen instead of looking at the reality of what is. I believe that interfaith families are a rich and dynamic resource for any community. The decision to intermarry is not a simple one, requiring thought, discussion and self-awareness. This means that interfaith couples often have a better understanding of the importance of their traditions than many non-interfaith couples. Ever since my wife and I first met, we have had more and better discussions about religion, family, tradition, and spirituality than we ever had before. The idea of marrying someone from a different background forced us to reconnect with our traditions, examine long-held assumptions, and began to determine what is really important to us. This conversation has continued as our children have been born, continually enriching our lives and (hopefully) enriching our children’s lives. Interfaith couples are actively engaged with their religion like few others, and I believe that any religion that openly accepts interfaith families will only become the richer for it. I’m glad to see that more Jewish communities are realizing this.
December is always an interesting time for interfaith families. With so many holidays to celebrate, it’s never simple. But I’ve discovered that this complexity has brought an unexpected richness to this time of year. As our son grows from an infant with no idea of what is going on, to a little boy fascinated by everything, we’ve had to constantly rethink how we celebrate the holidays. This has lead to constant discussions about our different traditions, and what they mean to us. Do we have a Christmas tree? Who lights the menorah? And the big question: what about Ruldoph? While some people might cringe at all that talking, we’ve found that it has not only made us better understand our spouse’s traditions, it has helped us grow to appreciate our own even more. We have decided that even though our kids will be raised Jewish, they will not be raised in a vacuum. We’ll raise them with an understanding and appreciation of both sets of traditions. Our house will have both a tree and a menorah, because that is who we are — an interfaith family with double the tradition of most families. We will teach them that that extra richness is a blessing, and not something to be hidden. It helps that our extended family not only supports us, but looks to our interfaith family as a great excuse to throw even more holiday parties. Celebrating both holidays enriches our family, and makes this time of year with its blending of tradition and family even more special and meaningful.
Happy Holidays, Happy Hannukah, and Merry Christmas to you all.
For a variety of perspectives on the holiday, you might want to check out InterfaithFamily.com’s December Holiday Resource Page.
I want to share with you a bit of advice my wife and I were given on our wedding day. After months of frantic planning, the day had finally arrived., not without a little stress. A good friend of ours pulled us aside. She told us to take a moment in the middle of the reception, to stop worrying about which tables you visited or if the dessert tray was on time. Instead, go to the edge of the hall, and just watch the party for a few minutes. Look at all of your friends and family, gathered together, and having fun. Take a moment to realize how much they are enjoying this event that you created together.
That’s it, that’s the advice. And it was the best advice we had. As my wife and I realized, a wedding is the only party when the guest of honor is expected to do all the planning — but never forget that YOU are the guest of honor, not the host. Once the day comes, forget all the plans, and be sure to relax, breathe, and enjoy the day.
