Disappointment is something that is rather intangible, or so I thought. While taking a class on management I learned there is a very simple way to express it as a formula. When expectations meet gratification then disappointment doesn’t arise. Conversely, if those two notions of expectation and gratification don’t meet, then blood pressure will rise, and in the case of wedding photography, there will be angry mothers and fathers and bridesmaids that wish they were somewhere else besides your wedding! Dan asked us to write a little something about working with your wedding photographer. I took the angle of ‘working with your wedding photographer to get the images you want!’ After all, the final product is really what it is all about; great images makes for a happy bride, a happy mother, etc. So what can a bride and groom do to make working with the photographer a fulfilling and productive experience?

(1) The process starts before you’ve actually hired your photographer. Don’t hire a photographer simply based on their portfolio! If you love their work and they come off as a drill sergeant to you, you don’t have to guess how your wedding images will come out! Find someone with whom you click. Chemistry is key here. If you don’t like the person taking your picture, more than likely it will show up in your images.

(2) Often times we see brides with expectations of great things from us as photographers. For example a bride may envision a gorgeous sunset shot of she and her new husband. Well, if things are timed such that she and her hubby are on the interstate between the church and the reception during sunset hours, that shot simply can’t happen. Plan ahead, plan contingencies! One wedding Jennie and I shot had us shooting the bride and groom under a lovely gazebo adorned with wild roses running up wood trellises. When we arrived with the couple at the gazebo, we found that city funding to rehabilitate the structure came in a week early and it was torn apart for reconstruction! The bride was a shambles for the next few minutes while Jennie and I scouted for alternatives. We ended up getting some fantastic shots around the park using fountains and gardens, but it was definitely hard for the bride to change her vision of her images mid-day.

(3) Every bride has a list of shots that she desires, a myriad of groups and assortments of people, different locations, fun shots, formal shots, etc. When you look at the list of ‘desired shots’ you hand to your photographer, be realistic. We’ve seen lists as high as seventy-five group shots for a wedding. A great photographer could get all those shots and do it very well if all the people needed for posed photos were lined up, prepared and being absolutely silent. Sounds easy on paper, but then with a wedding, there’s one issue a lot of brides overlook…there’s a wedding/reception going on. People are seeing each other for the first time in years, meeting new people and often times, they’re drinking. The frustration level for photographers usually peaks at this point. We lose our voices, get exhausted chasing people down, and sometimes even frustrate guests as we pry them from conversation, all the while maintaining our composure and ‘going with the flow.’ It would be amazing if you, the bride, informed people of the posed shots you expect them to participate in before the wedding day. After all, if people know beforehand what is expected of them, it is much easier to meet their expectations.

Working with your photographer should be fun. It makes for a more relaxed atmosphere, better creativity and better images. Talk with your photographer about what you expect. Not just what you expect with regards to images, but how the day will flow, etc. Go over times and locations in detail. Let the photographer know where you can be more flexible if time gets tight. Having the little things hashed out before your big day will allow everyone to be more relaxed and provide you with the best images possible. As photographers and business-people, we are constantly trying to make expectations meet or exceed your level of gratification. Communication is probably the most crucial aspect of getting there.

Strawberry Road is a fun and quirky wedding / boudoir photography company co-owned by Jennie and Dave. They’re friends that work very well together. Dave is technical while Jennie is more ‘feel’. Jennie works on a Mac and Dave works on a PC. He drinks coke products while she drinks pepsi, but together they shoot with Canon equipment. They can be found on their website or Facebook.

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Working with your wedding photographer

I applaude Diorable’s creativity and drive to create a ceremony tailored to them. The whole point of the wedding is that it is a ceremony of two people coming together as one, and it therefore needs to reflect who those two people are.

“Cherry-picking” traditions is a common way to construct an interfaith wedding ceremony. When my wife and I were planning our wedding, we also cherry-picked different aspects of our combined Jewish and Catholic traditions for our wedding. This let us honor our traditions, while defining our own combined values. We had two friends sing a modern version of the Seven Blessings. Another friend read an updating translation that I wrote of the famous Corinthians passage “Love is patient, love is kind”. We stood under a huppah as my cousin the priest and our rabbi both gave their blessings. We lit a unity candle, then stomped a glass. Some might find this kind of ceremony a little crazy or inauthentic, but we loved it — it fit us perfectly. It wasn’t a Jewish wedding, it wasn’t a Catholic wedding — it was our wedding.

And of course, even aspects of a ceremony that are considered “very traditional” can be modernized and updated to fit your personality. The ketubah is a perfect example. Many people might still assume that having a ketubah automatically makes a wedding very Jewish or very traditional (as Diorable described it “a sundown thing”). But not any longer. Most of the ketubahs I create are for interfaith and multicultural couples. They decided to add this tradition to their ceremony, but didn’t want it to feel overly “traditional”. So they made a ketubah that is modern, inclusive, and very personal.

In our wedding, our crazy combined ceremony worked to bring our two families together in a beautiful and special way. Each side could relate to part of the ceremony, and share the experience of something new. We explained the traditions throughout the ceremony, in simple terms, so that everyone could appreciate the parts they weren’t familiar with. We worked carefully with our rabbi to make sure the ceremony came together as a whole, and that no one felt left out, or confused. And in the end, our families loved it as much as we did. It was as much a celebration of our new marriage, as it was of our families and traditions that helped make us who we are.

Update 2010-03-01: On the blog Fifty Percenters, PrincessMax shared the details of the thoughtful wedding program she created for her interfaith wedding. It is a great example of how you can explain all of the elements of your ceremony to your family and guests, so that they all feel a part of the celebration.

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Cherry-picking traditions for an interfaith wedding

The Ketubah is the Jewish marriage contract, outlining the responsibilities of the bride and the groom. The Ketubah confirms that Andrew and Joanna willingly accept each other and assume obligations to one another. One of the oldest elements of a Jewish wedding, the Ketubah dates back over two thousand years. Today, most Ketubot (plural form of Ketubah) are spiritual, not legal, covenants that the bride and groom make with one another. Prior to the wedding ceremony, Andrew, Joanna and the Rabbi signed the ketubah in the presence of two witnesses, family and friends.

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How to decribe the ketubah in your wedding program

Traveling with your ketubah

I ship your ketubah rolled between sheets of acid-free tissue paper, and placed in an extra-strong shipping tube. Experience has shown that this is the safest way to ship unframed fine art. (Shipping it flat is both more expensive, and results in more damage.) So the best way to travel with a ketubah is to reuse this shipping tube. Place your ketubah between the tissue paper I provided, and carefully reroll in and place it in the tube. You now have a safe and portable package to carry with you. Be sure to bring it with you in carry-on, or stash it safely deep in the middle of your suitcase, surrounded on all sides by clothes.

When you arrive

When you get to the location of your wedding, take your ketubah out of the tube, and let it unroll. The paper will keep its curl for a while, but don’t worry. The paper of your ketubah is 100% cotton-rag, so it will easily “forget” the curl over time. When you remove it, you could gently use the tube to roll it in the opposite direction to remove the curl more quickly. If you feel uncomfortable doing this, just lay it flat like I suggested for a day or so to get rid of the worst of the curl. For my own wedding, I used an inexpensive poster frame to flatten the ketubah, and then protect it throughout the wedding and reception. When you are ready to have it framed, your framer can make sure that any remaining curl is removed.

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how to travel with your ketubah

One couple, Krista and Matthew, just came to me with a unique and fun request. They are an interfaith couple, Catholic and Jewish. So they wanted the text of their ketubah to reflect both of their traditions. But their idea was to not just do this through the words they used, but through the languages used as well. Just like Judaism is grounded in its use of Hebrew, Catholicism is rooted in Latin. Although it is not used anymore for regular services, the language is still a part of the flavor of Catholic culture. Krista and Matthew wanted their ketubah to respect both of these linguistic traditions. So we created a ketubah that blended English, Hebrew and Latin. Luckily Krista had an aunt who knew enough Latin to provide a translation! The result was quite special, and very much reflected the personality of Krista and Matthew.

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Making an interfaith ketubah with Hebrew, English, and Latin

Yesterday I bumped into one of my ketubah customers, Marni Gold, on Twitter. I discovered that like me, Marni started up her own business inspired by her own wedding. She creates custom card boxes to store your wedding gifts and invitations. As she says “When planning my own wedding I was searching for a unique and secure way to store gifts and cards at the wedding. Frustrated with the gaudy, tacky or just plain expensive options I found, I created my own custom cardbox that was simple, elegant, and understated while still matching my theme.”

Creative Custom Cardboxes specializes in producing an affordable custom designed cardbox/gift holder for your special occasion. Creative Custom Cardboxes will hold your gift cards and keep them safe in a fun and stylish manner. She does beautiful work, so be sure to check it out!

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Creative Custom Cardboxes

Some general advice: When you get your ketubah framed, ask them to treat it like the work of art that it is. Insist that the matt be archival quality, acid-free, and non-buffered. The ketubah should be attached to the matt using art corners or cloth tape. (I do not recommend that you let them dry mount your ketubah, since this cannot be undone.) The glass or plexiglas should have the maximum UV protection available. It may cost more, but the investment will be worth it. Make sure they understand what this ketubah means to you, and that it is irreplaceable.

When chosing the materials for your frame, consider the artwork itself. For the Horizon ketubah, I’d recommend having a white or ivory matt of at least 2-3″ in width, and using a dark wood frame. Since the Horizon ketubah is a macro photograph of a dried leaf, full of tiny details and textures, I believe that the natural grain of a wood frame would bring out that texture much better than metal. A dark wood would complement the darker tones of the ketubah.

I hope this helps. And remember, after you get your framed, I’d love to see a photo of how it looks!

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sugggestions for framing your ketubah

My wife and I were married almost 20 years ago. Our ketubah was not protected well and has tears along its edges and is beginning to frey. Would our ketubah be repairable?

While you might not be able to repair the existing damage, you can prevent it from being damaged further. This is not a service I do, but I think you could find help at a good quality frame shop. Look for someone who has experience in framing old prints, because they might be able to help you frame it in a way that preserves it better. One way they can preserve the ketubah would be to sandwich it between two sheets of acetate (so that it is “floating”) and then frame it. This would keep the frayed ends secure, protect it from UV light (to mimimize further yellowing), and keep the ketubah from getting damaged further. They might recommend that you dry-mount it to a board. This would definitely make it more secure, but would also be something you couldn’t un-do, so I’d be careful about that. Whatever they do, make sure they use archival materials, and ask to see samples of the technique. And, reinforce to them that your ketubah is irreplaceable.

Another option you might consider is getting your ketubah scanned. The graphic artist could retouch the scan, cleaning up all signs of damage, and print a new copy on acid-free paper. You could then put away your original ketubah to keep it safe, and use the new cleaner copy to hang on your wall.

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Preserving an old ketubah